Some days

Ever have those days where no matter what happens your just kind of melancholy? Now I’ve said before, depression isn’t my gig, I can pull myself up by the boot straps and carry on, but I’ve also never had anything seriously trigger depression in my life, so bear with me as I explain my moments of depression or sadness or whatever else it might be…

My life took a huge, unexpectedly sudden , turn of events 4 months ago, Mom died (those two words immediately start me tearing up and breathing rapidly), I had to turn my back on her and walk out of that hospital, forever motherless…I was not ready for that burden! I still see that moment, I still remember my brother, who is 14 years older than me, rushing up the sidewalk of the hospital and sobbing into my shoulder, I remember my dad calling me telling me in his terrified voice to get there quick cuz she’s not gonna make it, I remember my sister rushing into the room 15 minutes too late, hope vanishing from her eyes, and I took it all, all the burdens, all the lost-ness, suddenly everybody needed direction, and I, the baby of the family, took charge…I was the one they all leaned on for support, I was the one that organized holidays and lodging for family, and the memorial, and I stood strong for my family, and I think it helped them all get through it. My sister doesn’t say much, we don’t really get raw to each other, we both try to be strong and emotionless, my brother uses humor to disguise his grief, dad found true love and that’s helped him tremendously! Some days though, I can’t get away from it, some days I can’t numb it, I want so badly to talk to my mom, I want to see her and smell her cheap cigarettes, and hear her repeat her stories over and over…but they’re just distant memories forever now.

I’ll be ok, this has been my outlet for my pain. Sorry to those who read this. But thank you for showing me I’m not alone. I’m thankful my brain has always been overactive, because it allows me to “remember” so much details of my life, and though it’s painful, I can see mom that way. I’m thankful I didn’t get to “mature” to not be at her house often, there weren’t big gaps in our visits, we seen each other weekly if not multiple times a week. But I miss her, I’m dreading Mother’s Day…I actually don’t wanna be around anybody on that day, I’m kind of getting myself anxious about it and I got a month and a half before it’s here…anyway, that’s my random sob story for the week. ✌🏽