8 months

I sit here in my closet, on the floor, writing this. Around the 12th of every month I’m noticing myself being more emotional and edgy at times…this is the anniversary day that Mom passed away. The pain hasn’t gone away and frankly probably never will, it’s so difficult to explain to someone the hole that is left, and about the time it feels it’s healing, the 12th is here again…so the scab is ripped off once again. This marks the 8th month without my mom, and I just wish I could talk to her again, just to hear her voice. To know she was there to help with whatever I needed. If I had known there was 3 hours of life left I would have just poured back to her all my love. Tell her she’s beautiful, strong, anything! I would have spent her last hours giving back the life she so relentlessly gave me! But I didn’t know it would be over so fast, nobody did, I got to hear her last words, on the phone while my dad held it and fought back his own grief! It was the sweetest sound I ever heard, “I love you too kiddo” all my doubts were erased, I feel so stupid for ever doubting, ever complaining, ever being hurt and angry because I wasn’t sure. I wasted so much time when I had so little time to waste!

My life has had so many twists and turns since that day, never to be the same again, and there are days I wish it were me that is gone, and then there are days I’m thankful to be here, and says I honestly don’t know what I think or feel except lost. I’ve come to realize that without the horrific catalyst of death, there wouldn’t have been grounds for new life and new stories to be written. Instead I could have lost both parents, but in the midst of the chaos my dad found help. And it began a new chapter in our story, and I see the beauty in the pain now. To have mom back would be to lose the peace and happiness that my dad has found, and I could never do that.

Mom, you were hard to love sometimes, it was your way, you kept everybody right where you wanted them to be, not to close but not to far either, you were the nucleus of your world and how you wanted it to function. You had days where you were not pleasant to be around, you were mean, spiteful, angry and overall hateful! But you were the only mom I had, and I loved you. I seen the soft woman you may have been at one point, every once in awhile but not often. And never directed at me, but in the way you’d love others. You were afraid to show us I think. But even with all that, I still miss you so terribly much. I wish I could call you. I still have your text messages. I’ll never delete them. Ever. I can’t read them but I have them. I miss you so much. I’m sorry it was over so soon. I love you! ❤️