Hey Mom

Wow, it’s been awhile…a lot has happened since I wrote here last. We just passed the 2 year mark and I got through the day fairly smoothly. I don’t really have long spells of depression, but I do get very calm and quiet. So last Saturday I went to the gym, then came home and cooked enough food for an army, like you always did. Then, I just lazed around. I was seeking physical contact and Vern knew I was thinking about you, so he tickled my back while he browsed in his phone. Remember how I’d climb into your lap while you were reading and flip my shirt up and you’d start tickling my back without question? It’s still my favorite thing ever! Calms me to my soul. Vern kinda hates doing it most the time, but he tolerates me.

At my job I think about you often, I think about how I got a lot of your good qualities. I’m in a job environment where I can help kids, a lot of which just want somebody to listen or see them. You were always like that with Tommie’s friends. I see you in myself often. Usually good, but sometimes I see the dark side too, I don’t like to express that too often. Sometimes I sound very spiteful and it always hurts me inside when I act that way. Mostly, I see the good though, like the big heartedness, you so readily gave to others, especially those in need, and humor, I find humor in most things. We even found humor the night you left us, in such a dark miserable moment, we latched onto the one thing that has always been apart of us.

My siblings often ask how I’m doing, and I say fine. I am, but I miss you so much. I hope you’d be proud of me, approve of me and the decisions I’ve made. Dad is so happy now, and I know he deserves it, that you’d truly want that for him too, I think you truly did love him, you just didn’t really know how to let him love you, you kept yourself protected from whatever pain you’d felt in the life you never told us about. It’s insane to think that in the 33 years I knew you, I didn’t know you much at all. I try to tell my kids about my life and my experiences and the memories I have, I want them to know who I am. I miss you so much and then there’s days I don’t think about you much. I see your picture everyday on my mirror, I still have your text messages, I wish I had a voicemail just so I could hear you one more time. I have one video with you in it. Only one. I miss you and love you, I’m thankful I had a mom, like some don’t. I wish I had made more of a difference while I had time. Asked more questions, learned my history. It’s forever gone. I’m close to your family, but I don’t really care to connect with them. They don’t care either, so it’s good enough for me.

I’ve been going to the gym for a year now, I think you’d be proud of what I’ve done with my body. You were always proud I got your shape, and you made sure to let me know how much you disapproved of me getting chunky. Well, I’m still thick but in a good way. You’d be proud I think.

Well I’ve cried enough writing this, so I should go. I miss you so much, and love you forever. Mom, thanks for everything, the good and the bad, it taught me how to be resilient. At least I think it has. Oh, I see cardinals all the time! And I think of you when they sit in my tree. Maybe it’s you, keeping an eye on me. ❤️ I’m strongest when I let my weakness out.

Goodbye again.