Wow, it’s been awhile…a lot has happened since I wrote here last. We just passed the 2 year mark and I got through the day fairly smoothly. I don’t really have long spells of depression, but I do get very calm and quiet. So last Saturday I went to the gym, then came home and cooked enough food for an army, like you always did. Then, I just lazed around. I was seeking physical contact and Vern knew I was thinking about you, so he tickled my back while he browsed in his phone. Remember how I’d climb into your lap while you were reading and flip my shirt up and you’d start tickling my back without question? It’s still my favorite thing ever! Calms me to my soul. Vern kinda hates doing it most the time, but he tolerates me.

At my job I think about you often, I think about how I got a lot of your good qualities. I’m in a job environment where I can help kids, a lot of which just want somebody to listen or see them. You were always like that with Tommie’s friends. I see you in myself often. Usually good, but sometimes I see the dark side too, I don’t like to express that too often. Sometimes I sound very spiteful and it always hurts me inside when I act that way. Mostly, I see the good though, like the big heartedness, you so readily gave to others, especially those in need, and humor, I find humor in most things. We even found humor the night you left us, in such a dark miserable moment, we latched onto the one thing that has always been apart of us.

My siblings often ask how I’m doing, and I say fine. I am, but I miss you so much. I hope you’d be proud of me, approve of me and the decisions I’ve made. Dad is so happy now, and I know he deserves it, that you’d truly want that for him too, I think you truly did love him, you just didn’t really know how to let him love you, you kept yourself protected from whatever pain you’d felt in the life you never told us about. It’s insane to think that in the 33 years I knew you, I didn’t know you much at all. I try to tell my kids about my life and my experiences and the memories I have, I want them to know who I am. I miss you so much and then there’s days I don’t think about you much. I see your picture everyday on my mirror, I still have your text messages, I wish I had a voicemail just so I could hear you one more time. I have one video with you in it. Only one. I miss you and love you, I’m thankful I had a mom, like some don’t. I wish I had made more of a difference while I had time. Asked more questions, learned my history. It’s forever gone. I’m close to your family, but I don’t really care to connect with them. They don’t care either, so it’s good enough for me.

I’ve been going to the gym for a year now, I think you’d be proud of what I’ve done with my body. You were always proud I got your shape, and you made sure to let me know how much you disapproved of me getting chunky. Well, I’m still thick but in a good way. You’d be proud I think.

Well I’ve cried enough writing this, so I should go. I miss you so much, and love you forever. Mom, thanks for everything, the good and the bad, it taught me how to be resilient. At least I think it has. Oh, I see cardinals all the time! And I think of you when they sit in my tree. Maybe it’s you, keeping an eye on me. ❤️ I’m strongest when I let my weakness out.

Goodbye again.

I sit here in my closet, on the floor, writing this. Around the 12th of every month I’m noticing myself being more emotional and edgy at times…this is the anniversary day that Mom passed away. The pain hasn’t gone away and frankly probably never will, it’s so difficult to explain to someone the hole that is left, and about the time it feels it’s healing, the 12th is here again…so the scab is ripped off once again. This marks the 8th month without my mom, and I just wish I could talk to her again, just to hear her voice. To know she was there to help with whatever I needed. If I had known there was 3 hours of life left I would have just poured back to her all my love. Tell her she’s beautiful, strong, anything! I would have spent her last hours giving back the life she so relentlessly gave me! But I didn’t know it would be over so fast, nobody did, I got to hear her last words, on the phone while my dad held it and fought back his own grief! It was the sweetest sound I ever heard, “I love you too kiddo” all my doubts were erased, I feel so stupid for ever doubting, ever complaining, ever being hurt and angry because I wasn’t sure. I wasted so much time when I had so little time to waste!

My life has had so many twists and turns since that day, never to be the same again, and there are days I wish it were me that is gone, and then there are days I’m thankful to be here, and says I honestly don’t know what I think or feel except lost. I’ve come to realize that without the horrific catalyst of death, there wouldn’t have been grounds for new life and new stories to be written. Instead I could have lost both parents, but in the midst of the chaos my dad found help. And it began a new chapter in our story, and I see the beauty in the pain now. To have mom back would be to lose the peace and happiness that my dad has found, and I could never do that.

Mom, you were hard to love sometimes, it was your way, you kept everybody right where you wanted them to be, not to close but not to far either, you were the nucleus of your world and how you wanted it to function. You had days where you were not pleasant to be around, you were mean, spiteful, angry and overall hateful! But you were the only mom I had, and I loved you. I seen the soft woman you may have been at one point, every once in awhile but not often. And never directed at me, but in the way you’d love others. You were afraid to show us I think. But even with all that, I still miss you so terribly much. I wish I could call you. I still have your text messages. I’ll never delete them. Ever. I can’t read them but I have them. I miss you so much. I’m sorry it was over so soon. I love you! ❤️

Today is Mother’s Day, it’s been a train wreck…for all the obvious reasons. But added on top is the new issue…as if this weekend hasn’t been looming for days already, now I gotta prepare myself for the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face…uprooting my family! I’m not happy about it, at this point it’s a secret ( please keep it so) it’s on the very verge of destroying me, I don’t know what my family is gonna say, or react, but my husband don’t wanna be here anymore. He’s done. He wants a new church, new state, new everything…and I’m barely holding my shattered heart together and now gotta hold my life together?? For real? I can’t do this, I don’t want to anymore.

When is enough, enough? I’m scared to death…this is gonna strain my marriage, 15 years of building a life here, tossed into the air like a freaking game of 52 card pickup! I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m wounded, I’m furious, I’m a lot of things! Happy is nowhere on this list…depressed is climbing to the top real fast. I want to hurt someone, the one making me hurt, I want to be selfish cuz it’s safe!

God, please help me….I’m so lost anymore

Hello blog….yeah I’m sad, that’s why I’m here…it’s been awhile, which is good! That means I’m healing. I’ve been crazy busy so it hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind, but with Mother’s Day coming, it’s like a big ominous cloud rolling my way…I’ve been feeling it for weeks, trying to mentally prepare myself for the flood of emotions that I know are going to bombard me.

Do I face it head on like a soldier? Do I run and hide away and let all my grief rush out alone somewhere? Do I pretend I’m fine and act as if it’s nothing? Do I paint on a smile and parade around as if I’m unphased by it?

My dad remarried, am I supposed to give her all the credit and act like it’s no big deal? She deserves honor for sure, she literally saved my dad I truly believe! She just isn’t my mom, and I can’t pretend she is. There are a lot of women in my life that I’ve looked up to over the years, I’d like to reach out to some of them…one of the most important ones to me, never even texted or called me when mom died…and I have been sending this woman a Mother’s Day sentiment every year, but apparently it don’t matter. So I’ll scratch that one off my list….maybe…something inside of me says to be the better person and still tell them how much they helped you. And maybe it’ll remind them that their troubles could be worse, idk I’m running off at the mouth and head at this point…being angry hurts less then feeling lost and vulnerable.

Dang it mom! Why is it this way? Our last picture is on my mirror, I wish I’d have taken more…your ashes are here in my room. Safe. You’d be annoyed at me for being so sensitive, but maybe you’d also be proud because you couldn’t do that, you kept yourself so guarded, your emotions were buried so deep…I refuse to let myself become so numb to life…I will always wear my heart on my sleeve, I will always try my best to sit with others in the dark, in their pain, because it sucks doing it alone! Sometimes being the strong one sucks so bad, because nobody sees the pain I hide. There has been so much happen in the last few months, I wish I could tell you about it…you’d be my biggest fan! I just found out today I get to go to Atlanta Georgia in June! I won a retreat with my team! It’s gonna be so fun ( I’m actually terrified) I get anxious thinking about doing something so big on my own! But I’m gonna do it! Anyway, mom, I love you forever…these tears won’t last forever! Thank you for being my mom! I’m glad I forgave you for all the crazy things. You did your best. I know I wasn’t an accident and you were just angry at me. I had a way of getting under your skin sometimes. I’m sorry. Love you forever!❤️

Ever have those days where no matter what happens your just kind of melancholy? Now I’ve said before, depression isn’t my gig, I can pull myself up by the boot straps and carry on, but I’ve also never had anything seriously trigger depression in my life, so bear with me as I explain my moments of depression or sadness or whatever else it might be…

My life took a huge, unexpectedly sudden , turn of events 4 months ago, Mom died (those two words immediately start me tearing up and breathing rapidly), I had to turn my back on her and walk out of that hospital, forever motherless…I was not ready for that burden! I still see that moment, I still remember my brother, who is 14 years older than me, rushing up the sidewalk of the hospital and sobbing into my shoulder, I remember my dad calling me telling me in his terrified voice to get there quick cuz she’s not gonna make it, I remember my sister rushing into the room 15 minutes too late, hope vanishing from her eyes, and I took it all, all the burdens, all the lost-ness, suddenly everybody needed direction, and I, the baby of the family, took charge…I was the one they all leaned on for support, I was the one that organized holidays and lodging for family, and the memorial, and I stood strong for my family, and I think it helped them all get through it. My sister doesn’t say much, we don’t really get raw to each other, we both try to be strong and emotionless, my brother uses humor to disguise his grief, dad found true love and that’s helped him tremendously! Some days though, I can’t get away from it, some days I can’t numb it, I want so badly to talk to my mom, I want to see her and smell her cheap cigarettes, and hear her repeat her stories over and over…but they’re just distant memories forever now.

I’ll be ok, this has been my outlet for my pain. Sorry to those who read this. But thank you for showing me I’m not alone. I’m thankful my brain has always been overactive, because it allows me to “remember” so much details of my life, and though it’s painful, I can see mom that way. I’m thankful I didn’t get to “mature” to not be at her house often, there weren’t big gaps in our visits, we seen each other weekly if not multiple times a week. But I miss her, I’m dreading Mother’s Day…I actually don’t wanna be around anybody on that day, I’m kind of getting myself anxious about it and I got a month and a half before it’s here…anyway, that’s my random sob story for the week. ✌🏽

So here we are again, will this be the new norm for me? Every 2 or 3 months, heart breaks open a new and I come scrambling here to spill it out for others to see, and feel my pain? Maybe…and really I don’t care what people say or do, it’s not them, but I know I’m not alone in this either! I’m not the first girl to lose something so precious, no I’m not that special, I’m nobody important in the grand scheme of things, and I’m ok with that…in my world I know where my importance lies, it is within my children, in my husband, in my handful of friends, I was important to you too, Mom…you never praised my accomplishments or my decisions but you also never told me I couldn’t do or be what I wanted, I found out later on how proud you truly were of me, and though I never heard it from your lips, I have been told that you were proud of me. I make sure I let my boys know that I’m proud of them, I want them to know that they can do anything they put their mind and heart into! It’s important to know we’re not alone, especially as kids!

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with grief, it comes on me in waves at times, in the most random of places and moments…like in a restaurant….then I’m tucking my head, avoiding eye contact with people cuz my eyes are about to spill over if I don’t get myself under control! I start to rapidly blink, and say random things that make no sense, simply to get as much distance between my thoughts that got me so emotional. It’s a weird dance that I’m learning to step to. I haven’t talked to my siblings about it, because I’m supposed to be the strong one, and I know that if they see me keeping myself together then they can do so too. I just hope that they allow themselves times to cry or just feel. I do wish they’d check in from time to time, but I’d probably lie to them so it don’t really matter.

Just a warning…I’m dreading Mother’s Day this year…..I was scrolling through TikTok the other day and this woman popped up on my feed, and at first I thought she was hilarious because she was a sarcastic older woman that had obviously gone through the school of “hard knocks“ like my mom, same generation, and so I followed her page cuz she reminded me of Mom….well that turned out to be a mistake…cuz I flipped to her next video and she resembled Mom so much that I scrambled to get the image off my phone! It hit me that hard and maybe that’s where this sea of emotion has stemmed from…but it is so real and so devastatingly overwhelming, cuz my mind keeps playing over and over when I walked out of that hospital room, leaving my mom for the last time! I can’t begin to explain the feeling of lose and grief…I’m glad nobody is here to see me right now, gosh it’s so painful!

I have the ashes, but I need to make a place where I can sit and talk to her, it freaks me out to get ashes from the box to put in a plant or something like that, but I have too! I need a place to go, and be alone with Mom, and tell her all the things I remember. Let her know that I will do better for my kids when it comes to showing them love, and support. I didn’t hear the words “I love you” much, but I knew she did, but I make sure my boys hear it every night before bed. I didn’t feel the hugs and kisses much, but again I’m changing that with my boys. When I had my first son, I swore I’d be different, I swore they’d grow up unable to ever count the times they heard me tell them I love them, because I knew as a little girl, I wanted to hear those words, I was a wild thing with big ideas and colorful imaginations, and maybe I could have been so much more had I been told I could do anything, but inside my heart I knew I’d have to find my own way. So I did.

I still have that wild child inside of me, she’s older and wiser now, but she’s still there…I just wish I could hear you, talk to you again, laugh about something again. I still need my mom!

If there’s anything I can say to anyone…break the mold, be who you needed when you were younger, for your children, they might not know how to say that or show that right now when they’re young, but trust me, there will come a time when they need you to be behind them letting them know that you believe in them! Be there!

I’ll be alright…

Till next time, over and out!

Well it’s barely after 6am…I’ve been awake since 4:30am…I had dental work done yesterday and think my clenching my teeth in my sleep is what initially woke me up…so here I am.

There’s been a lot of things developing around here, so I guess I should start from the top. Dad found a new lady friend and they’re getting married sometime in the next week or so; I’m happy for him, he deserves to be loved for who he is. We got through the holidays without mom, that was a little rough, but nevertheless we made it. Not like we can do anything about it! 😏 Moms birthday was rough for me. My dad called me and my siblings to check on us, and I’m pretty sure he has no idea how well I lied! I’m not proud of that but I’m also a grown woman and I’m not gonna burden everybody with my emotions. I will get myself together and be alright. I’m actually already doing better, just waves of grief wash over me from time to time, but that’s to be expected. Time does heal all wounds, and scars are beautiful if you look at them from the right perspective. Love you Mom!

So the big exciting thing….the silver lining in the mess of chaos that was 2020…Vern is starting his own business! He’s already gathering work and will officially be his own company March 1st! I’m so proud of him, he is the hardest worker I know, and loves what he does, which makes things so much easier for him…so yeah that’s big news! ÜBER Construction is the name! He let me design the logo and business cards for him. I’m super proud!

Well, I guess this is enough for now, I’m gonna start writing a book at some point. Not sure if I wanna go the memoir direction or maybe short stories for kids with full illustrations that I can maybe get my kids to help me do. Just a random idea I’m working on. 🤪❤️

Well today is your birthday, you’d have turned 67…I’m thinking about how we’d have gotten you funny cards, yet wrote a serious sentiment, but still tried to disguise our seriousness with the joke…why did we do that? Why couldn’t we just be honest and tell you how important you were to us? Now we can’t. Sure I’m writing this, but you’ll never see it, I should have told you 3 months ago, when it actually would have mattered. I honestly thought you’d live forever mom, you had me fooled, even though I had an idea something was wrong, you weren’t healthy, you were losing a lot of weight, and playing the decoy game like a sandpiper bird, always pointing out dads issues with health all the while you were slowly dying and were too stubborn to tell us. Well we miss you, we’re hurt that you hid it from us, that you then left so suddenly and we’re still trying to truly grasp that you’re forever gone. My world sure has changed, you and I often didn’t see eye to eye but I’ll never doubt that you always had the best intentions and just got comfortable in your distance. You were the glue that filled all the cracks and kept us all grounded. We all rotated around you and it was always you that pulled us together, for good or bad, you were in the middle of it all, so yeah it’s weird you being gone. A lot has happened in a short amount of time. Dad is trying to move on, he’s found a nice lady to hopefully love him like he deserves, Sabrina and Alexis are still trying to get their house progressing, it’s being a nightmare. Tommie and Lisa are doing well, they’re working on their relationship and things are going well. Vern is starting his own business finally, I really miss that I can’t show you all the things we’re making and doing for it, you would be so proud! Things will get better in time, the boys miss you a lot! I miss you a lot! I wish I’d have shown you how much I loved you more often, but I can’t go back can I? Just gotta move forward and love harder than ever the ones still here to love. I’ll love you forever mom! Thank you for teaching me to be tough…even if I don’t seem so tough at the moment, I’ll be alright. All my love❤️

#quitemisshome

19 days ago my life took a very unexpected turn…my mom called me somewhere close to the 2pm mark, she was in a bad way, but wasn’t asking for anything, she just wanted to tell me she wasn’t feeling good and that the boys needed to stay home that night rather than stay the night at her house. What she didn’t say was that she needed help, but she told me she was really icky and her guts were in knots…then she made sounds of pain! My mother NEVER shows her weaknesses in any way, shape, or form…so it was an immediate red flag to me. I told her to stay hydrated and I was gonna call my Nana to come look in on her…I got off the phone and immediately text my dad to go home and check on her! It was maybe 30 minutes from the time she called me to the time my dad got to her, upon seeing her, he called 911…they were there within 2 minutes, hooked her up to machines, her pulse was 42! They rushed her to the ER where they discovered she had an Abdominal Aortic Aneurism, it was tearing, which is why she felt her guts were in knots, and this was a fatal situation. If it ruptured she would bleed to death in minutes and if she made it to surgery she had a 1% chance of surviving through surgery. Odds were not in our favor in any scenario. My dad called me in tears telling me to get to the hospital ASAP, she wasn’t going to make it!

Let me stop here for a minute because it’s important for me to write this down, more for myself than for any other reason. That call to rush to the hospital is a call we probably have all imagined getting, and we’ve probably all pictured ourselves coping while navigating traffic and keeping calm under the pressure, well let me just say, I barely remember the trip, I was frantic, sobbing, begging, praying, driving in down pouring rain (typical scene for drama), sobbing more, I, to this day, am surprised I did not crash…I could hardly see through the rain and tears…I was able to connect by FaceTime with my siblings and dad, I was able to tell her I loved her one last time, and she said to me, “I love you too, kiddo” and she went into cardiac arrest immediately afterwards. My siblings got on the call right after that so they didn’t get to hear from her or say goodbye…I’m gonna get away from this moment as it’s too painful still.

I rushed to the hospital, got through to where she was, saw my dad surrounded by doctors and I came in like a charging bull! They were laying the true facts on the table, trying to give us options, here they were: 1. Give her medicine to relax her and let her pass away gently, or 2. Go into surgery, take the chance she would die on the table, but also that she might survive but she would forever be brain dead and in a wheelchair due to her having no blood flow to her brain for over 15 minutes and also from them stoping blood flow to her lower body due to her bleeding internally. So me being me, I said let’s fight! Now all this talk took maybe 2 minutes! My dad looked at me and said, “Now this means IF she survives she will be a vegetable forever, and she would hate that!” I knew this to be true…so with tears in my eyes I looked at my dad, and we both nodded in agreement we let her go….I was immediately led over to see her, they had that huge CPR machine hooked to her, pumping her heart, as I walked in my dad was right behind me and he said in a voice of torment, “ Do you really want to see this? I don’t want to see this anymore!” And he walked out…I was left alone to watch as the doctors were trying to save her but were losing the battle. They all stopped doing, and looked at the clock, and turned off the machines, and looked around at each other and then to me…she was gone! 5:12pm November 12th 2020! I walked over and grabbed her foot, and felt so lost! My beautiful mother, the woman who brought me into this world at the age of 33, left me to find my own way at the age of 33! This number will forever be significant to me. About 10 minutes later my sister arrived, with eyes wide and full of tears she came in full of hope…then I watched her spirit be crushed as reality sank in…and she looked to me for something, answers? Guidance? Help? Comfort? We both felt so lost, then my dad was there, holding onto us with his big bear paws, but he was just as lost as we were! My brother arrived shortly after, and again we all just stood there in shock! It happened so fast! 3 hours after I hung up with her, she was gone! Forever! I’ll never again hear her voice, listen to her gripping about politics, complaining about my boys not hanging up their church clothes, complaining about Gabe and Rosa not breaking down their garbage and cleaning out their cars and throwing all the garbage in the garbage can, I’ll never hear her laugh at something stupid on Facebook, I’ll never see her mouth the words I’m saying while telling her something, I’ll never again see her sitting next to her lamp reading a book, so many things I’ll never experience again. Good and bad!

I’ve got a lot of processing to do, things have been insane afterwards, we had family come in from California and Wyoming and I took on the mantle of running things, not that others couldn’t have run it better, but I just did it and we had a beautiful time with family. Celebrating the memory of a life taken too soon. I had the best teacher on how to just take it on the chin, and keep going! So that’s what I’ve been trying to do. She was fiercely strong and independent, I want to be strong enough to be weak when necessary. I want to be able to ask for help, be able to accept help, be able to admit I’m not ok, be able to cry when I need to, yet able to keep it together for those around me. I’m strong because I was taught how to be strong by a strong woman.

Time will heal our hearts, it’s gonna be slow and at times painful, and at times it will sneak up on us without warning. We held a beautiful memorial for her on Saturday and after the last guest left and I was left alone yet again, I crumpled! It was so aggressive and savage, I was left on the verge of hyperventilating! I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t stop the tears, I was frozen with my arms at my sides and my head on my husbands chest, completely immobile and it was like an angry ocean beating upon a steady rock! He took my grief and just held strong, I had given all I had to give, I had spent all my reserved strength helping keep the family together and on track through the holiday, I was done! I wept, I made weird sounds that I guess are sounds of grief, I let myself feel it all! I will continue to come back to these memories to “feel” them again and again, I will be strong and I will be weak. I refuse to hide the emotions, mom always hid them and she was miserable in the end. A lifetime of keeping it all hidden! I have been watching for 33 years and if I’ve learned anything it’s that, It is ok to show “weakness” because it’s really strong to show that your weak sometimes…we have to always work on our strengths and weaknesses. I will continue to do so. There will be many more challenges to come, but I’m prepared to handle the storm!

Mom, I love you! You will never know how much I have admired you all my life, you went through Hell and never told us because you didn’t want us to know you’d gone through those things, you hid your pain and sicknesses because you didn’t want to burden us. You always tried to protect us from the dark things of this life, you battled demons alone because you didn’t want us to fight your battles too. What you didn’t know was that we knew some of these things. A lot of secrets we’ve all kept from one another. I wish you were here so we could have this conversation. I’ll always talk to you, I’ll make sure dad is ok. That Tommie and Sabrina are ok. I’ll keep us all going forward, like you did. It’s been the best 33 years! I love you Mom! Goodbye!

Well, here we are…3 months into a flipping Pandemic! 2020 was supposed to be “The Year” everybody has been waiting for…now we all just wanna fast forward to the next track…2020 is the song we all skip on our favorite artists album…lol! Nevertheless, we’re here, and we gotta make the best of a crappy situation. So we try.

I will admit, at first, I did fine. Schooling was tough, mostly because my kids are used to a certain routine, and that went right out the window, no matter how hard I tried to stick to it, simply being stuck at home was the major challenge. Now school is over, and we’re still pretty much stuck at home.

Church has always been a huge part of my life, and for the first time ever, I’ve been “out” of the building for almost 3 months, and I HATE IT!!!! I miss being physically involved in all aspects of my church routine, like I said at first I was doing ok with all of this, but as time goes on, I’m struggling. I’ve never been a depressed person, and I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but I’m definitely anxious…to the point of being angry a lot, wanting to be mouthy, and mean at times…just generally want to hit something. But I calm down, and begin to reflect on the things God has done for me…so to be positive I’ll list the top things, and by simply making this list, I feel better. I’ll never forget who has always had me, no matter what the situation!

My List:

I woke up in my right mind

I have a beautiful healthy family

I have a tiny bit of money still left from last payday

I have groceries

I have running water, and a roof over my head

I have a comfortable chair to relax in and write this

I have more clothes then is needed by any one family of 4

I have happy children

My youngest “miracle” boy is soon to be 7 and he fought all Hell as a newborn!

My children are academically and physically smart and amazing

My husband is faithful, even tho I’ve had my struggles, (I’ve been faithful too, just too friendly at times)

My husband goes to work and provides for all of us, and NEVER complains!

I have a wonderful church, even tho I can’t see them very much right now

And I talk to my sister on the regular and she lets me vent all of this (which is a HUGE help)

I have a handful of amazing friends that I can rely on for most things I might face

I have my wonderful parents who always help out with the kids

I have the ability to sing (sometimes really good and a lot of times not so good)

I have the ability and brain function to articulate my feelings into words, that may help others with their feelings and issues (🎶you’ve got issues, I’ve got em too, give em all to me and I’ll give mine to you…🎶)

I have the most beautiful nieces and nephews that I am actually apart of their lives, and I will support them 1000%

I am going on 15yrs of marriage, mind blowing that somebody would put up with this redneck this long!

I could seriously write about this all day and still only scratch the surface of how much I am blessed.

So the minor inconveniences we are going through, could be much worse in all actuality. I am reminded to be thankful and grateful for the things I’ve been given, allowed to do, and I have the choices to opt out of anything that I don’t want to do…I have the freedom to be all I want to be in life, or the freedom to do nothing. It makes all the difference to focus on the positive things rather than the negative. I will continue to be strong for those around me, even if I feel weak…it is better to help others than to focus on my problems, because by helping others with their problems ALWAYS makes me feel better. That’s just how God made me and I wouldn’t want to be any other way!

Lastly, but most importantly, God…thank you for giving me the grit and grace and fire in my heart to see your beauty in all the ugliness around us today. You’ve chosen me to fight this battle and I will fight till I’m either dead or I’m the last one standing! I’m not a quitter, nor a coward. I know when to tap out and can take it on the chin when necessary! I am a pack animal, and I will fight for the safety and integrity of my pack. I am blessed beyond all measure and forever grateful to you for all you’ve done for me. For always keeping me. I love you with my whole heart! Amen!

I will add the poems I wrote, that I believe God inspired me to write.