Grief

So here we are again, will this be the new norm for me? Every 2 or 3 months, heart breaks open a new and I come scrambling here to spill it out for others to see, and feel my pain? Maybe…and really I don’t care what people say or do, it’s not them, but I know I’m not alone in this either! I’m not the first girl to lose something so precious, no I’m not that special, I’m nobody important in the grand scheme of things, and I’m ok with that…in my world I know where my importance lies, it is within my children, in my husband, in my handful of friends, I was important to you too, Mom…you never praised my accomplishments or my decisions but you also never told me I couldn’t do or be what I wanted, I found out later on how proud you truly were of me, and though I never heard it from your lips, I have been told that you were proud of me. I make sure I let my boys know that I’m proud of them, I want them to know that they can do anything they put their mind and heart into! It’s important to know we’re not alone, especially as kids!

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with grief, it comes on me in waves at times, in the most random of places and moments…like in a restaurant….then I’m tucking my head, avoiding eye contact with people cuz my eyes are about to spill over if I don’t get myself under control! I start to rapidly blink, and say random things that make no sense, simply to get as much distance between my thoughts that got me so emotional. It’s a weird dance that I’m learning to step to. I haven’t talked to my siblings about it, because I’m supposed to be the strong one, and I know that if they see me keeping myself together then they can do so too. I just hope that they allow themselves times to cry or just feel. I do wish they’d check in from time to time, but I’d probably lie to them so it don’t really matter.

Just a warning…I’m dreading Mother’s Day this year…..I was scrolling through TikTok the other day and this woman popped up on my feed, and at first I thought she was hilarious because she was a sarcastic older woman that had obviously gone through the school of “hard knocks“ like my mom, same generation, and so I followed her page cuz she reminded me of Mom….well that turned out to be a mistake…cuz I flipped to her next video and she resembled Mom so much that I scrambled to get the image off my phone! It hit me that hard and maybe that’s where this sea of emotion has stemmed from…but it is so real and so devastatingly overwhelming, cuz my mind keeps playing over and over when I walked out of that hospital room, leaving my mom for the last time! I can’t begin to explain the feeling of lose and grief…I’m glad nobody is here to see me right now, gosh it’s so painful!

I have the ashes, but I need to make a place where I can sit and talk to her, it freaks me out to get ashes from the box to put in a plant or something like that, but I have too! I need a place to go, and be alone with Mom, and tell her all the things I remember. Let her know that I will do better for my kids when it comes to showing them love, and support. I didn’t hear the words “I love you” much, but I knew she did, but I make sure my boys hear it every night before bed. I didn’t feel the hugs and kisses much, but again I’m changing that with my boys. When I had my first son, I swore I’d be different, I swore they’d grow up unable to ever count the times they heard me tell them I love them, because I knew as a little girl, I wanted to hear those words, I was a wild thing with big ideas and colorful imaginations, and maybe I could have been so much more had I been told I could do anything, but inside my heart I knew I’d have to find my own way. So I did.

I still have that wild child inside of me, she’s older and wiser now, but she’s still there…I just wish I could hear you, talk to you again, laugh about something again. I still need my mom!

If there’s anything I can say to anyone…break the mold, be who you needed when you were younger, for your children, they might not know how to say that or show that right now when they’re young, but trust me, there will come a time when they need you to be behind them letting them know that you believe in them! Be there!

I’ll be alright…

Till next time, over and out!